Someday, in Paphos, I will be vulnerable
I will make my pilgrimage to Aphrodite's birthplace. I will feel awe. But I am of the understanding that the minders of the temple ruins and the people in general do not appreciate when tourists come to actually worship the ancient Gods. So it will all be in my mind as I see the sights, listen to the sounds, surrender to the aeons of history that Cyprus has known.
And that's a different kind of vulnerability, one where you're heart to heart with your Goddess and there are no membranes, no barriers, no boundaries between the two of you, you just ebb and flow with Her, your essences mixing until you yourself feel divine and capable of great love. I am blessed to have this type of close bond with Aphrodite.
Vulnerability has been much on my mind this month since I began planning my whole event. I knew I would have to be vulnerable in materials for the workshop because that's how I feel about self-love, vulnerable and soft, and to act otherwise would be extremely inauthentic. I cannot abide that, not since melding with Aphrodite. She guides me to be the best, most open person I can be, and it is a struggle, as I'm naturally shy and prefer to work behind the scenes.
But it has been a long time that I've done that. Many, many years ago, in the late nineties, I was playing on a text-based roleplaying game called a MUD. Because I was perceived as a woman, I got a lot of attention, which was unwanted. I just wanted to play the game. But the other players would not leave me alone and some became disturbing when we had interactions. I was very vulnerable and naïve then, post-breakdown, alone and lonely. You can see how I could be a target for nasty shit.
Then I met a fellow who used the name Camber for his character. He was very nice, never inappropriate, and somehow was always there when things got too upsetting. He was one of the enforcers of the game rules, and he could see things that they were saying, and quite often banned the people who were bothering me. He said that I had my "appeal" set too high, and it was drawing in the wrong sort of attention. I sort of understood what he meant, but understand that I was not projecting anything with intention, whatever was going on was an unconscious manifestation.
He was witchy, so he cast a cloak of protection over me that more or less has made me invisible ever since. I do not doubt his strength in the old ways, because this thing has lasted for decades. I started to undo some of the pinnings when I became active on Instagram, after I was awakened to the fact that I was, indeed, a witch - and had been all this time.
Despite my best efforts and the coaching of magnificent thinkers in the witchy sphere, I am still left with the remnants of this cloak. It's like my visibility is hampered no matter what I do. I feel like I make myself completely vulnerable, I rip out my heart on occasion, in posts, in art, in poetry, but absolutely no one seems to be aware. The cloak stubbornly holds. Ancient magick by now, yet even my considerable will cannot destroy the cosmic fabric.
I say that my gender is a universe, that I fluidly move from comet to planet to pulsar to nebula to star and back again as the feelings grab me, but what I really want to be is a stellar nursery. I want to give birth again and again to great shining children that elicit gasps of wonder and draw all eyes to their luminous beauty. I want to be bathed in praise and friendly acclaim. I want to be The Empress, giving and giving and giving of myself to the people of the world. I want to be Aphrodite, glowing with love for my unorthodox children. I want to touch people with my considerable experience and I want to be touched by others' experiences. I want my gravitational track to be pushed and pulled by other celestial bodies. I want exoplanet-influenced tides.
It is so hard, but I want to be vulnerable.
It might hurt, but I want to be vulnerable. I want people to be able to see into the soft, delicate tissue within, the sort that can make a pearl. It might be unwise, but I want to be vulnerable. I want to be able to reach people on a deeply human level and recognize the beautiful souls that everyone has. It might get me into trouble, but I want to be vulnerable. I have faith that Aphrodite will keep me safe, but I also have a large and angry spouse who has only ever cared about one person in his entire difficult life: me.
I want to show you my soul, fractures and cracks and all. It will never be kintsugi, but it has its own appeal, its own attractiveness. I share my pain so that others either can avoid it or learn how better to handle it. I share my joy to let people know that it is possible for a multiply mentally ill, neurodivergent person to lead a happy life, even if it's not perfect. I share about Aphrodite because She has transformed me from a creature of self-loathing to an entity of self-love and regard. Maybe She can help you with that, too.
She has given me the strength to see myself through that vulnerable lens and what I found was not so bad, not so scary, not so intimidating, not so weird. We have all dealt with our own demons. We have all walked the Fool's long Journey, taking in lessons and experiences as we go. Some are hardened by their journeys, calcified into inflexible people who cannot and will not accept progress, people who cannot or will not extend kindness to others. But the vast majority of us are able to move with the times, expanding our ideas to include more and different people, in varying states of vulnerability. We all get to know each other better if we're allowed to be vulnerable in a safe way.
I asked Her about vulnerability, and drew a card for contemplation:
This is Aphrodite's message: "Let down your guard and present your hearts in a circle with others who share the same goals and values. Revel in vulnerability together. It is reminiscent of sleepovers in youth, where you gathered, ate food and drank beverages, listened to entertainment, found camaraderie and togetherness and validation, shared gifts and generosity and secrets. Recreate this environment today, in your work and play. There is nothing stopping you.
"Hold fast to your ideals as you throw in with a group of people, sometimes it is easy to get caught up and lost in the shared glowing warmth, give of yourself but not all of yourself, there can and should be boundaries in vulnerability, boundaries that give and flow but never break, trust is an important ingredient in the making of these sacred spaces, these liminal temples that only exist when in communion with one another.
"Fill your friend's cup with your excess and they will return the favor when your cups are dry, walk out in faith that what is gifted will be reciprocated, around and around, make your relationships like circles that are always turning, draw power and gratitude from this arrangement, equal bonds streaming together, showing all the colors of the rainbow, even the ones human eyes cannot perceive.
"Look at the joy depicted here and know that some part of this is owed to you, you are all owed pleasure by a world that prefers to give pain, and sometimes you have to be proactive to milk it. Sometimes you have to do the work before reaping the rewards. Sometimes you must make structure out of nothing for the unbelievable to happen. And sometimes it just happens, without warning. Stay ready, stay on your feet. There is great work to be done, group work, and it's only just beginning."
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Feeling like you could use a little vulnerability in a small, intimate group setting? Get 25% off the ticket price of $25 to my Aphrodite-centered self-love event by using code TRANSMISSIONS at checkout. Event starts at 9 PM on Friday, 23 August 2024 and tickets will be on sale up until the event starts!
Aphrodisian blessings and all my love,
J