I haven't forgotten!

I just had to deal with one of life's more vulgar inevitabilities - taxes.

I stress all year, and procrastinate until 15 October because I file for an extension every year, only to get them done in a couple of rather painful but anxious hours. This time, though, I got to see how very rough last year was for me and my household, how we were in a terrible place.

We were (are?) still in early-pandemic mode. Not leaving the house much, masking when we do, buying groceries online and picking them up when we needed them... but most of our money - and our credit lines - went to DoorDash. This is to me shameful, but we were not cooking for ourselves, and we have to eat, right? We have to exist and to do that we have to take in food, as much as I dislike that fact.

It put me in a spiral even Zelda couldn't get me out of, and to be honest, even the next day I am feeling really down about things and how we were. A kind person on Bluesky told me to give myself grace for the person I was last year, and she was right, but if you know anything about me, you know that I am castigating myself most efficiently over it all. I am the one in charge of the finances, ultimately this money mess we're in is my fault, ergo, out comes the hair-shirt.

Self-punishment runs antithetical to Aphrodisian practice, however, and so it is my aim today to get back to things that are pleasurable. Food, drink, entertainment, games, et cetera. My task is done, that is to say, the tax data is off to the accountant, it's in his hands. And then he's going to give us financial planning advice to get ourselves out of this deep hole I've made. At least that is the plan.

So how can we alchemize self-punishment into pleasure? Through deep journaling and shadow work, we come to realize that we never deserved the punishment to begin with. We ascertain that we need a certain soothing balm - which can be many things for many people - and we seek it out and apply it to the sore and hurt parts of ourselves. We heal ourselves in this way. For me, it is still Echoes of Wisdom and snacks and weed. This is medicine. For you, it may look different and that's totally okay. Whatever we need to make us feel better is okay and even blessed in Aphrodite's view, so long as it's all consensual.

It can take a lot of unlearning to get to a point where we believe that we don't deserve punishment or penance because our entire society is built around the premise that we do. This is calvinist thinking and I roundly reject it and I heartily encourage you to do the same. I will have joy. I will take pleasure in things. I will allow myself to feel good. I will forgive myself for any mistakes or missteps. And if you must repeat those things - as I have had to - to get it through your skull, then start repeating, because you do not deserve the discomfort and the suffering of the hair-shirt just because you fucked up the game of money and capitalism. Or any other reason.

I asked Aphrodite about this, how can we ease into pleasure from a place of unwanted punishment? She answered with fire.

Yet our approach must be playful, we must seek out play and fun and entertainment that makes our souls sing. Entertainment that feeds our souls and does not take anything from us. Usually when we are in a place of self-punishment, we are also in a depleted state, so we have little to nothing to even give. We are encouraged to splash into the hot springs and oooh, let it immediately relax our tense bodies, soaking in all the moisture and minerals that we need to heal and improve.

Aphrodite really loves the suit of Wands, in my experience, and the Page in particular because they exemplify the breathless pursuit of happiness and pleasure. More, they want to tell everyone they know about it. Perhaps Adonis was Her Page of Wands. And when we embody that energy, that capability, we find it easier to plunge into the activities and topics that energize us, not drain us. In this act alone we become more aligned, more comfortably us. This is a wondrous thing!

She says: lift your wand high and show the true fire that burns within you, in all its magnificent colors. Share that fire with others, with unabashed enthusiasm. Laugh! It's all of a piece and it's all important and it all must be lining the threads of your lives like a wax coating of pleasure. Embodying the Page of Wands means leaving behind the punishment of the 10, where we were ever so burdened. The Page means freedom from that, a great release we have long sought.

Seek out new things to desire, new foods, new activities, new friends, new spots that sell surprisingly cool drinks, heal yourself by nurturing yourself. Every time you indulge in something you enjoy it's like putting a patch over a torn part of yourself. Do you know how it sometimes, somehow, feels better after you've put a bandage over a recent wound? It's rather like that! You train your mind into believing that these actions will be the panacea you've been searching for, and they become that panacea. It's magick!

So when you settle down for a session of playing a video game, or swapping funny reels and memes with your friends, or watching your favorite movie for the 146th time, or noshing on your favorite snack, you are engaged in a serious act of self- love and healing, a tremendous step of faith that you will be using pleasure as a salve for what hurts, or what has been torn away. Use play as a priceless tool to get to the point where you can say in truth that this is so.

They try and they try and they try to take play away from us as adults and it is probably one of the worst things they do to us as we transition from child to teenager to adult. Reclaim play with gusto. Buy yourself a Lego set. Get some polymer clay and make cute little critters that you can bake in the oven. Draw. Draw. Draw. Color in coloring books and stick it on your fucking fridge. Giggle at silly jokes. Reclaim play! This is what Aphrodite would have of us this week.

I'm going off to do just that; please accept my apologies that this was a little late!

I adore you,

J